Baby Steps

Mama.

2011-12-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

So, I do a bad job at keeping my blog(s) updated, I'll just admit that now. This is just going to have to be a space that I write in when I feel like it. I don't know why I don't feel like it more often.

Today, I was moved. Emotionally. Laying down with my little girl while she was taking a nap and my eyes start to well up and tears begin to stream down my face as I looked at her. Have you ever been so in love it makes you cry? I grew this little person inside my womb, and it feels like yesterday I experienced days of waiting for her to come, and then there she was being ripped out of my body on the operating table...but all of that faded when I saw her face. And now she's three years old. I'm pregnant again, and I feel like I haven't loved her enough to share my love with another one. It's a little bit scary.

When I was laying in bed with her today I pushed her hair out of her face and I could see her cheek bones. The fat that she's had since she was tiny is starting to go away, and I could picture her as a teenager, as a grown, young woman. I think I had a glimpse of how my mother must feel. You love these creatures that you nurtured for decades and then they're grown and independent. You miss the time that you had with them when their heads fit into the palm of your hand while they suckled at the breast. Time flies by way too fast and I feel like I'm not savoring it enough. What happens when she's 18 and moving out, when I can't take naps with her anymore and nibble on her cheeks? I'm sure I will be proud.

Hell, I'm proud now. I know she's going to be something, and do something great. But why am I focusing on when she grows up? The last few days I've been thinking about this new person that I'm growing, and all of these flashbacks of Lilly are pouring into my mind. Learning how to nurse, learning how to swaddle, seeing her first smiles....how do Mamas not compare their subsequent children to the first? Especially when the first seems so perfect in every single way? I have conversations about her when she was tiny, I'm sure there were some struggles, but there were not many. What if number two is completely opposite. Will I love them the same as I love her? What if...well, okay, not what if...WHEN I birth this baby the way my body intended, will that change the way I love Lilly? Why do these things have to be complicated?

She's still sleeping next to me. She is still a tiny person. My tiny person. She said to me yesterday "Mama, you are part of me. I am part of you." So true. We will always be part of each other, my sweet child.

Maybe it's not so complicated, maybe I'm just hormonal. The logical part of me says that this next child will come and they will fill a space in our lives that we never knew was empty, that love will disburse the way it's meant to and everyone will feel it.

I think Lilly is going to be a really great big sister. I look forward to having her here to see her baby brother or sister be born. She is very excited to give her/him hugs and kisses. She said to me the other day "Mama, when you have my baby sister (she insists it's a girl) I will sit by you and play and you will snuggle her." This seems so generous to me, especially because this little girl thrives on snuggles.

Tomato Corn Salad

2011-08-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Im not really sure what to say about this.... just look at these photos!

Yum.

Sauerkraut

2011-08-16T19:22:00.000-07:00

We belong to a CSA (community supported agriculture, for those of you not in the know) and have been getting bushels of beautiful veggies for the last 4+ months. It's been a blessing, really. Who knew we would love mustard greens, or fava beans!

Anyway, I had about 6 tiny heads of cabbage left from the past two weeks, they needed to be used. So, today we made good 'ol Sauerkraut.

All you need is cabbage, salt and whey.

Put them all in a bowl, and mash them up for 5-10 minutes.

VOLA! One beautiful quart of Sauerkraut.

I made this a couple of weeks ago in a much smaller batch, and we tested it out. It's been approved by all members of the family, including the dog (FYI..todders make messes...).

A Change of Direction. and a challenge.

2011-08-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've been reading and thinking a lot recently. My blogging has been quite sporadic, I've always felt that my writing lacked substance; I hadn't found that spark, or passion, that made me want to share my thoughts with the world. Perhaps this is because I lacked some education regarding the things I find important. Well, those 10 days away certainly opened my eyes.

While there are a lot of scary things going on out there that I want to share with you and I will take time now to write about these things. However, I certainly don't want focus all of my efforts on being Debby Downer.

So, with that, I begin a challenge.

As you may or may not know, over the past 8 or so months my family has been overhauling our way of living. One of the things that we're trying to do is change the way we eat. After we bought our house I feverishly planned a large garden, and researched owning backyard chickens. I also joined a group of friends in a cooperative where we can obtain raw milk. These are just some of the baby steps we are taking toward change. But now is the time to overhaul our entire system.

There is a book out there called Nourishing Traditions, written by Sally Fallon. It is based greatly on the teachings of the Weston A. Price Foundation. This book is the self proclaimed "cookbook that challenges politically correct nutrition and the diet dictocrats." And boy is it ever. If you thought you knew how to eat healthy, think again.

The excerpt from Amazon.com:

This well-researched, thought-provoking guide to traditional foods contains a startling message: Animal fats and cholesterol are not villains but vital factors in the diet, necessary for normal growth, proper function of the brain and nervous system, protection from disease and optimum energy levels. Sally Fallon dispels the myths of the current low-fat fad in this practical, entertaining guide to a can-do diet that is both nutritious and delicious.

Nourishing Traditions will tell you:

Why your body needs old fashioned animal fats

Why butter is a health food

How high-cholesterol diets promote good health

How saturated fats protect the heart

How rich sauces help you digest and assimilate your food

Why grains and legumes need special preparation to provide optimum benefits

About enzyme-enhanced food and beverages that can provide increased energy and vitality

Why high-fiber, lowfat diets can cause vitamin and mineral deficiencies

Topics include the health benefits of traditional fats and oils (including butter and coconut oil); dangers of vegetarianism; problems with modern soy foods; health benefits of sauces and gravies; proper preparation of whole grain products; pros and cons of milk consumption; easy-to-prepare enzyme enriched condiments and beverages; and appropriate diets for babies and children.

So, what is this challenge that I'm talking about? I'm going to cook every recipe in this cook book, all 773 of them. Starting...well, now. I was going to give myself a year to complete this challenge, but lets be honest...that would be relatively impossible, especially if I want to cook in season. Meaning, no tomatoes or berries in January--unless of course it's from my stash of preserved produce from the summer time. So, I'm going to give myself 2 years. This means 1 to 2 new recipes per day for 730 days. Concurrently, I will be doing a 2 year 365 (so...730) food project, at least one photo per day for this entire time. Are you excited? I sure am.

Being a grown up.

2011-07-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

So I did it. I left my little family to further my education. I'm having trouble with this concept because when I say it like that it sounds like education > family.

This is not the case at all though, the general argument is that furthering my education means more stability in the future for our family. Honestly? If I can't unschool, or I have to be away from my kid(s) regularly for a moderate period of time, then I would rather just forget it. I would rather be poor and happy with my family than well off and away from them all of the time.

I digress. I Enjoy my education, so that's why I'm here. I have goals and aspirations and I'm working on it.

So, where am I, you ask? I'm about 300 miles north of my home, in Traverse City. The Cherry capital. Camping in Traverse City State Park.

Eastern Michigan University has a "study abroad" program that includes places that are not so abroad, but still very detached from the culture in Ypsilanti.

So, I left yesterday, it was hard, I cried a little. But I'm here, and it's pretty good, so...there you have it. I'm a grown up.

Anyway, I left around 6:45am.

The drive was so gorgeous. Once you cross the state of Michigan and start going north west toward the coast you find yourself in this forrest of pine trees, and driving with the windows down it just fills the car with this scent of ...nature; of mossy dirt and pine and dew and...ahhh heaven.

I anticipated the trip taking 5.5 hours, or so...It only took about 4.25 hours, so I took a detour through Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lake shore. My heart skipped a beat as I came over a hill and saw the lake. I think I'm destined to live in Michigan forever because of the love affair I have with Lake Michigan. If you gave me a choice between Hawaii and Lake Michigan, I would hands down take the great lake. Plus, this is what's local, and that's what is important.

I arrived at my campsite around 1:30, and promptly set up ..and my tent broke, and then I realized that I forgot a pillow. Oh, and... my campsite faces directly toward the interstate, I can literally see the cars whizzing by.

Oh well, this cost me a quarter of what the dorms on campus would have cost, and I get a kitchen (well, fire pit, and water source). The good news is I slept through the night very comfortably and I'm about 4 miles biking distance from school.

After setting up...and then tearing down, I ran to a local Dunhams, they happened to have the same tent except bigger, and I got it--you see, these tents have a life time warranty, so we'll be getting the other one fixed, and it will be used again....3 years from now, when Lilly wants her own tent. (We will be camping often).

I went to class after Dunhams, Northwestern Michigan College's campus is one of the most beautiful I've ever seen (I mean, duh! It's in Traverse City...but..you know....)

Can I just say, I love my class so far. The teacher (Chris Mayda: look her up, she knows her stuff) is phenomenal, she shares just about all of my views of the world and our current state of civilization, and I love that...I love that I can talk about things I care about and it's valid in this class. Most of my classmates are on the same page as well.

I don't want to delve into what we've been talking about in class yet because it's kind of a downer and I'm yet to process everything. I'll get there sometime this week.

After class I came back to my campsite, I attempted to start a fire, but the logs were pretty wet. I managed to get some water warm enough to cook oatmeal, so that's what I had. Oatmeal for dinner.

Today was smoother, but I think I'll have to talk about that tomorrow. I would like to share some photos, but I currently have minimal internet at the campground (I mean, internet at campground? Now THAT'S roughing it...ha)

2011

2010-12-31T15:17:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the year again where I realized I've long neglected my blog, and decide that at least for the first few weeks of the new year I will write in it daily.

I failed miserably at accomplishing my resolutions this past year, Life totally happened.

Lets reflect:

1. Maintain above a 3.5 in my undergraduate coursework. Done! I currently carry a 3.63, through most of the year I carried a 3.72, but this last semester I slacked...senioritis, I think it's called. That is ok, 3.63 is still admirable, I think, and I have one more semester of undergrad to bring it back up to Magna status.

2. Choose and apply for and visit (at least) 5 Graduate schools (not including EMU). Fail. With the way that things have turned out this is no longer a valid resolution. I was all prepared to graduate on the 19th of this month. We were going to move back to Chicago, I was going to find some fabulous job and work at Linz and Vail, and everything was going to be wonderful. That all fell through. It's ok, we love our life here, it's just beginning.

3. Work out: my small goal get down to a size 16. Fail. I did loose 15lbs though.

4. Jog-Run a 5k Fail. I started running for a couple days, no dice.

5. Spend 1 hour outside per day. Fail... one word- School.

6. Sketch every day in sketch book Fail.

7. Write every day I didn't write in the way I intended, but I did write A LOT this year. Including a couple of really great research papers.

8. Read every day Same as above, I didn't read books every day, but I read a lot. I did read a few life changing books and a lot of information online that has inspired me greatly.

9. Get a sewing machine YES. I greatly love my Juki.

10. Make new friends This too. We have met some really wonderful people in the last year. I hope to develop great friendships.

This year I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to do in the next year. I realize that my resolutions in the past have been pretty selfish, some of them really immature--givens. Nothing that really improves me as a person (nothing that I have to really work for) or what I'm doing for others, particularly the environment.

I'm not making a list this year.

My primary focus is going to be changing the way we do things in this household to reduce our carbon foot print. This will include things like using cloth instead of toilet paper, make our own deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, moisturizers, laundry detergent, cleaning solutions and more.

We will be purchasing our own home this year, so I intend to plant (or at least learn to plant) a killer garden; last year I only had a container garden, it was ok, but not enough variety and I planted it sort of late. We will also consider turning at least some of our plumbing into a grey water system. There is a lot to learn, but anything we can do to conserve our resources will be considered.

We are joining a CSA for meat and another for vegetables. We will shop at the farmer's market more than we did last year.

I have more thoughts but I should stop playing on the computer and enjoy the last 30 minutes of 2010 with my lovely family!

Happy New Year to all!

A real update. From 6/15/2010

2010-08-10T10:13:00.001-07:00

Things have been so hectic. Last semester flew by way too fast, and I was so busy always working I never had a chance to post. This semester will be over one week from today, and I STILL never got a chance to post. Here are photos of pieces that I've done over the last 6 months:

Setting up the loom for this project.

From Mothers' Mouths.

Woven cotton, Machine sewing, Printed Velum

7' x 16"

From mothers' mouths was just a sample piece of a larger piece I may pursue in the fall semester. This one was about 7 feet long, the final piece should be more like 20.

The Biology of Human Reproduction

Book

Particle Board, Wax, Flowers, Twine, Moss

This was also a sample piece. I'm going to be making a finished piece with a better binding, a less brittle wax, and larger covers and spine.

Liquid Gold

Wire wrapped in habotai dipped in wax.

This piece based on the mammary glands of a human. I gave a preview of in prior posts, it came together pretty nicely. I'm going to be adding onto it though-more gold wire, and a smaller vessel inside with smaller 'nodes', I guess you could call them.

Twins

Transparency Weave

~32" x 17"

This is that piece that took what? 35? 45 hours? For anyone who thinks that school is not a job, I dare you to weave a transparency.

That's all for now, Tuesday marks the last day of this semester, so I will have the rest of the summer to update more, and give explanation of some of these pieces.

Birth and Art. From 4/20/2010

2010-08-10T10:11:00.000-07:00

Every year hundreds of thousands of women in America become pregnant, many for the first time. The vast majority of these women find themselves in territory which, though it is supposed to be a joyful and beautiful time, is very frightening and full of the unknown. Because of this, pregnancy and childbirth tend to be very controversial subjects in the western part of the world; these concepts have not been addressed by many artists or filmmakers. I have found two works and one series of works that take the subject of child bearing and birthing head on. The Business of Being Born-2008, a documentary from executive producer Ricki Lake and directed by Abby Epstein, Judy Chicago’s Birth Project-1980-85, and the photograph on the August 1991 issue of Vanity Fair magazine, by Annie Leibovitz.
Ina May Gaskin, a midwife who was interviewed for The Business of Being Born, and who was helping deliver babies long before the Birth Project was conceived said in her book “Ina May’s Guide to Child Birth” that she’d
Like to see a large birth-giving goddess depicted on Broadway in New York City on the big digital screen. She long believed that television could play an important part in teaching women about the true capacities of their bodies. Unfortunately, current puritanical mores allow national television audiences to witness the surgical cut to the uterus during a cesarean but never the natural expansion of the uncut vagina as the baby emerges. The sight of pubic hair is apparently strictly forbidden. There shall be no visible relaxation of a sphincter. These taboos have kept videos of natural births from being aired on national television, when this material is precisely the kind necessary to reduce the great fear and ignorance surrounding the birth process (253).”
Lake, Epstein, Chicago and Leibovitz all apparently share the same sentiment about this subject; they all step outside of the norm and deliver information and images that directly relate to this quote from Gaskin.
The Business of Being Born

The Business of Being Born is a documentary film that addresses the history, politics, scientific insights, and shocking statistics of and about how American women give birth. Even though we know that documentary film is not always true realism, this film is very real. It combines the stories of several different women and follows them throughout their home and natural birthing center experiences with interviews of different doctors, midwives and cultural anthropologists. (“Synopsis”)
The Business of Being Born is a film that is intended to be viewed by people in the American population who are pregnant, or considering becoming pregnant, to educate and make them aware of the practices that hospitals and insurance companies use in our culture today. The film also provides statistics, resources and suggestions to help women take control of their experiences when they are pregnant and birthing.
Throughout the film, the director, Abby Epstein, and executive producer, Ricki Lake, research obstetrics and gynecological practices of past and present. They bring to light why medical intervention is so common and cesarean section rates are climbing exponentially. They note interesting and scary facts, such as the most common birthing times in hospitals being Friday more than any other day of the week, and before dinner time (because doctors are manipulating their patients with medical interventions so they can be home in time for dinner or the weekend).
Lake wanted to make this film after the experience she had birthing her first child. She wanted women to know their options and have resources so that they could take charge of their own birth experience. Lake approached Epstein about making this film and Epstein was terrified of the idea of seeing mothers giving birth, let alone filming them. She, like many women had never heard of nor thought about midwifery. She just accepted America’s norm of hospital birth, and thought women who passed on epidurals were insane. (“Director’s Statement”)
After Epstein made the commitment to making this film, she did research: she discovered that pregnancy and childbirth are just another industry. This industry, or the business of being born, is the way that insurance companies and hospitals discourage choice and infringe on parental rights, which ultimately obstruct the powerful natural connection between a mother and her newborn baby. (“Director’s Statement”)
Epstein became pregnant shortly after they began filming, so she turned the cameras on herself and used the research she had done prior to the start of filming to help make decisions throughout her pregnancy. Documentaries are usually very one sided, but The Business of Being Born ends up being fairly unbiased because Epstein has a cesarean section at the end of the film due to pre-term labor. They are successful in stressing the fact that medical technology is a great thing if used when necessary, but the fact that the medical industry has become a business has severely changed the way women give birth. Instead of treating pregnancy as an act of nature, hospitals treat it as if it is a life threatening emergency. (“Director’s Statement”)

The Birth Project

Nearly three decades before The Business of Being Born was created, Judy Chicago began work on the Birth Project. Similar to The Business of Being Born, The Birth Project addresses child bearing and child birth as beautiful, natural things that are often not portrayed accurately, if at all, due to their “explicit” nature.
Judy Chicago is an artist, author, feminist, educator, and intellectual whose career now spans four decades. Her influence both within and beyond the art community is attested to by hundreds of publications throughout the world. Her art has been frequently exhibited in the United States as well as in Canada, Europe, Asia, Australia, and New Zealand. In addition, a number of the books she has written have been published in foreign editions, bringing her art and philosophy to thousands of readers worldwide. In the early seventies after a decade of professional art practice, Chicago pioneered Feminist Art and art education through a unique program for women at California State University, Fresno. (“Judy Chicago”)
Chicago started work on the Birth Project in 1980. Long before she finished her most famous piece The Dinner Party, she became interested in the myths of creation. When she was exhibiting at The College of St. Catherine, she met a radical nun who helped her rewrite the myth of Genesis (the biblical account of the beginnings of the Earth, life, and humanity as described in the first two chapters of the Book of Genesis) from a female perspective. Chicago soon began building a visual representation of that myth. As part of her research for this visual representation she tried to find images of birth. She found next to nothing. She didn’t understand how birth could be such a universal human experience, yet there were no images to portray it. She was intrigued by the lack of imagery, and so she immersed herself in the subject (Chicago 6).
Chicago decided to interview women about their birth experiences and used that as inspiration for her work. She was also able to attend a birth and witness the baby being born. She was surprised by the information she gathered, as it was not all positive. Some women shared their negative experiences and feelings with Chicago, and she used these as inspiration in her designs as well. Images of cells, rivers, fallopian tubes, ova, and nebulae as well as visualizations of the screams of birthing mothers were other inspirations for her designs (13).
Ultimately Chicago designed many different pieces, some of which never made it into this project, others which were executed multiple times by women all over the United States, Canada and New Zealand. Some of these designs were reproduced nine or more times using different textile modalities; some were woven, others were embroidered, quilted, and needle pointed. Chicago visited these women in their homes and worked with them to produce the pieces that best captured her visions (7).
Overall The Birth Project is a really beautiful series both conceptually and aesthetically. The colors that were chosen for the different pieces are vibrant, and beautiful. Chicago made sure that each color made a statement: if she wanted to portray blood, she used the brightest boldest red that she could; she used beautiful, soft pastels to portray the tender moments. The colors not only help portray the message of each piece individually, but tie the series together as a whole to tell a story, the story of pregnancy and birth. The images that Chicago designed are not realistic in the sense of realism, they are indeed expressionistic in every sense of the term, but the experiences they portray are real. The Birth Project shows it’s viewers everything about pregnancy and birth - the beautiful, the graphic, the scary, the calm. The real stories of the mother who is experiencing a miscarriage, the moment during birth where the baby’s head is crowing, and the family just after birth where the newborn is latching onto it’s mother’s breast for that first drink of liquid gold.
The series of works in the The Birth Project are not meant to be viewed as a whole, but were meant to be exhibited in small groupings. Each small group is packaged so that it is able to be easily shipped and can be mounted by even the most inexperienced people, so that it is accessible to people all over the world who are in all different types of organizations and spaces. This is so that a wide range of audiences can be introduced to images of birth, and the reality of women's lives (7).

“More Demi Moore” August 1991 Vanity Fair Cover
Annie Leibovitz is another artist who is not shy about portraying what is real. Leibovitz is an artist who got her start photographing images for Rolling Stone Magazine in 1970. She is known for her use of bold primary colors and surprising poses. In 1991 she took a photo of Demi Moore who was 7 months pregnant with her second daughter (“Annie Leibovitz”).
Demi Moore was interviewed by V magazine about this photo, she said:
"Annie had photographed me pregnant with all three [daughters]. The shot that ended up being on the cover of Vanity Fair wasn't even done for the magazine. It was just for me and our family.
"Then Annie called, we kind of joked, and I said it would be amazing if they would do this on the cover." Moore has never regretted the photo that made the 1991 Vanity Fair one of the world's biggest sellers.
She adds, "It did seem to give a little bit more permission to feel sexy, attractive when you're pregnant...but I really didn't expect for the response to be what it was. I was pretty shocked" (WENIN).
What Moore said about this photo shoot fits along with some of the other ideas portrayed (or reasons these ideas were conceived) by The Business of Being Born and The Birth Project. There was, and still is, a lack of imagery and information surrounding pregnancy and child birth, and because of that people think it’s a huge controversy when something like a nude photo of a seven month pregnant woman ends up on the cover of a popular magazine. The photo of Moore ended up being the number second most famous magazine cover of all time ( second after another Leibovitz photo of John Lenon and Yoko Ono for Rolling Stone Magazine) (“Annie Leibovitz”).
The photo of Moore is very iconic, especially her stance and her expression. She has this look on her face that suggests she is proud of who she is and what she is protecting there inside of her womb. The curves of her body against the simple dark background and lighting make for a very aesthetically pleasing photograph. Most importantly it is interesting how something so simple can make such a huge impact.
Unlike The Business of Being Born and The Birth Project, the photo of Demi Moore was not intended to make a feminist statement or stand up against social norms. Yet, just like Epstein and Chicago’s work, it got people talking, it showed people’s true colors about how they viewed women, pregnancy, and nudity, and stirred discussion about what is “acceptable” or “normal” or “beautiful.” As Moore said in her interview, the release of this photograph made her feel as though she had permission to feel sexy as a pregnant woman. It ended up helping the cause to stand up against this notion that pregnancy and child birth should be a very private matter, and that women’s stories should remain behind the heavy closed doors of a medical institution.
In today’s society information and imagery that contain the subjects of childbearing and child birth are still very hard to find, which is why these three works (or series of works) are so important. Women should not be ashamed of their pregnant bodies, and Leibovitz’s photo of Demi Moore can encourage women to be proud of what they look like. Women should have the right to feel like their experiences of giving birth, or their emotions (be them positive or negative) during their pregnancy are valid, and Chicago’s series can be encouraging to women who feel like they have no voice during this vulnerable time in their lives. Most importantly women should be informed of their choices, and be informed of the practices of the people who they trust to assist them with their pregnancies, and The Business of Being Born does just that. Women should not feel like they have no where to turn when they take part in this universal experience that society tells them they are meant to take part in. These works are great examples of art that can help supplant the negativity and unknown and instill a positive frame of mind when women take on the role of creating new life.

Bibliography
“Annie Leibovitz” Wikipedia. 11 April 2010. Wikimedia Foundation. 9 April 2010

Chicago, Judy. The Birth Project. Garden City, New York: Doubleday & Company, 1985
Gaskin, Ina May. Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. New York: Bantam Dell, 2003
---. Spiritual Midwifery. Summertown, Tennessee: Book Publishing Company, 2002
Jewish Women’s Archive. “JWA-In Focus Jewish Artist: Judy Chicago.” 10 April 2010

“More Demi More” Wikipedia. 21 February 2010. Wikimedia Foundation. 8 April 2010

“Synopsys” and “Director’s Statement” thebusinessofbeingborn.com. The Business of Birth LLC. 8 April 2010
Unknown Author. “The Birth Project.” throughtheflower.org. 9 April 2010

Unknown Author. “The Birth Project.” judychicago.com. 2010. 10 April 2010
.
Unknown Author. “Judy Chicago: Birth Project.” lewallencontemporary.com. 9 April 2010

Unknown Author. “Judy Chicago.” jewishvirtuallibrary.org 9 April 2010 The American-Israeli Cooperative Enterprise. 8 April 2010

WENIN, “Demi Moore: Pregnant Photo Was Never Meant for Magazine” hollywood.com. World Entertainment News Network LTD. 10 April 2010

Wolf, Naomi. Misconceptions. Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood. New York: Doubleday, 2001

3D things. From 3/21/2010

2010-08-10T10:10:00.004-07:00

It's coming along. I've been so focused on the transparency weave project (26 hours down, 8 inches to go.) that my multiples project has been put on the back burner.

I've been working on it a bit this morning. AND I have photos!

So, my project is a multiples project, I'm doing a sort of vessel inspired by human mammary glands. It's going to be wire wrapped in silk, and steam silk, all coated in wax.

These photos are of the steaming of the silk. Drying of the steamed silk, and then the shapes dipped in wax.

I think it is really cool.

It doesn't surprise me that something like that is so enjoyable, ever since I was a kid I enjoyed playing in wet wax.

19 hours down. from 3/19/2010

2010-08-10T10:10:00.003-07:00

These photos were from after 13 hours of work--there is about 10 inches of sample below that, so it's taken about 1 inch per hour or so...eek. I'm at 19 hours now, and I'm just above that small loop in the center.

I suppose I should explain, a transparency weave is a very lightly packed weft (the one that goes back and fourth through the warp) with additional weft inlay. What you are seeing there is my design underneath, which I follow with my inlay. and all of those little cards are what I'm using to inlay the weft.

This project is due on Monday, I'm hoping to get it finished today, I'll be there for about 6 or 7 hours. I think it's currently about 1/3 done, but I'm getting quicker and more efficient. I'm really happy with it so far. I'm glad that the grey yarn worked out because it's so beautiful.

Sometimes when the sun hits it just right it has these beautiful silver/blue highlights. Love.

As far as my 3D project...well you see... I'm about as far along as I was when I posted the last photo of it. I plan to work on it Saturday and Sunday, it is also due Monday. I will have more photos up soon. Promise.

Frustration. From 3/14/2010

2010-08-10T10:10:00.001-07:00

I'm in two classes this semester which are at the same days and same times. One is a weaving class, and one is a 3D fibers class. I love them both. It's interesting having to be two different people at once, I go back and fourth between the classes having to gear myself up for two completely different methods of creating with fiber.

Weaving is very simple and straight forward, but very very....VERY tedious. The project we're currently working on is a transparency weave project, and I was going to use blue yarn for it, but the yarn shop didn't have blue, so we were able to choose from a few different greys. Problem is this yarn is about half the thickness of the other colors we could choose from. I swear to you it hates me. The one I chose is beautiful, and shiny and smooth, but it breaks so damn easily. Every time I begin to weave multiple warp ends snap and I have to undo what I just did, fix the warp ends, and then begin again. I haven't gotten very far. As you can see by these photos.

This was my latest attempt (number SEVEN?!) I got this far with my starter weft, and then I hear a pop... fancy that, another warp end broke.

See all the film canisters hanging there? Those are all the broken ends so far. Brooks (Harris-Stevens, my professor) is going to be in, in the morning, to give me a hand, because this seriously will not stop happening. I admit, I'm accident prone, but this is just ridiculous. Hopefully with some help I can get back on track and work on getting this thing going. It's due on the 22nd.

This photo just makes me happy, this is just a small portion of the yarns we get to choose from for our weaving(when we get a choice of color), I love color. There are 3 other cabinets with yarn in them that we've yet to explore.

Something that makes me less frustrated is my 3D class. With this the class the sky is truly the limit. Brooks shows us techniques and we can use what we learn with whatever materials that we'd like, to bring our concepts to fruition. I really like the creative freedom that we have. I've always had a knack for putting things together too, always building stuff at my parent's shop as a child.

This piece is just getting started, but it's wire, silk and wax, I'm very excited to get it underway.

Stay tuned!

"The Beginning" from 3/14/2010

2010-08-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

What better way to start this blog than to announce something exciting!

My Piece "They Took Birth From Me" Got into the Annual IGG Exhibition at school. It's a juried show, so that makes it even more exciting.

I know this may be small fries to some, but I'm behind in the game, so this is a big deal to me.

The opening reception is tomorrow 3/15/10 from 4-7pm in the University Gallery, room 210 in the Student Center.

This is the piece:

They Took Birth From Me

It's approx. 19" x 12" x 5", it's crocheted yarn and steel.

I recently re-read my birth story, and I must have still been high on birthing/new baby hormones when I wrote it. I really am not OK with the whole thing, through my art I'm trying to let go. It's hard. This piece speaks about how instead of giving birth, I felt they took birth from me.

It has felt good to finally fall into a medium with which I can make pieces that my concepts can come across clearly. However, as a viewer you can relate to it however you feel fits your life, that's the beauty of art.

The Omnivore's Dilemma Notes #1

2010-07-17T06:58:00.001-07:00

So I've been reading the Omnivore's Dilemma and paying more attention this time. It's getting under my skin, to the point of where I want to throw everything in my kitchen away and start fresh (but that would be wasteful so don't worry, I'm not going to do that).

So get this, our government has/was/is making this huge stink about our country's current state of health, and having universal health insurance, yada yada.

People in this country are unhealthy..

Thing is, there are tariffs and subsidies in place that force americas farmers to grow corn, even though it costs more to grow the corn than the farmers actually make when they sell it.

This corn is force fed to cattle (along with their own waste, antibiotics, growth hormones..etc), note the fact that the cattle's stomach is not designed to digest corn, only grass. Corn is also turned into corn starch, which is a HUGE filler in just about every processed food, corn syrup which is ALSO in almost every processed food (and by the way, uses formaldehyde in the production of it).

Then Humans eat this stuff. (including a great many humans in my life).

Children born after the year 2000 are the first generation that is expected to have a shorter life expectancy than their parents.

Every 1 in 3 children (2 in 5 for African American) is going to get Diabetes.

The term type II diabetes didn't even exist until recently (it was known as Adult Onset diabetes before) . But they changed it's name because CHILDREN are being diagnosed with it.

These are just some of the horrifying facts that I've run across in this book.

Let me sum this up.

The GOVERNMENT essentially forces (especially low income) people to eat the food that causes these medical problems. Did you know the chicken McNugget has THIRTY EIGHT ingredients, and THIRTEEN of them are derived from corn?!!!

Did you know that after analyzed by a mass spectrometer the conclusion is that soda is 100% corn?

After shoving these foods down America's throat the GOVERNMENT tries to look like the good guy by "reforming health care"....

This makes perfect sense...

...except not at all. It's infuriating.

Soy. Is Bad.

2010-06-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Take a moment to read this.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-smith/genetically-modified-soy_b_544575.html

Substance in Breast Milk Kills Cancer Cells - AOL Health

2010-04-23T06:20:00.000-07:00

Substance in Breast Milk Kills Cancer Cells - AOL Health

It's grey today. But that's okay.

2010-03-21T05:07:00.001-07:00

I was up at 5:20 this morning. Ice on the windshield. Grumpy sleepy baby who I wanted to stay in bed and snuggle with. I had to take Brett to work so that I can go into the studio and work today. I took yesterday off in the studio to save my back, so today will be a long day. I have to finish my project for both my weaving, and 3D classes. I stayed up today instead of going back to sleep with Lilly so that I could work on the 3D project. I will go into the studio around noon.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow and talking to Brooks about what the future holds. I hope we have the chance. I have to attend advising and I need to know what to tell Professor Tammany. Hopefully I will have everything in order ( and he will believe me) so that I don't have to sit in his office for two hours (TWO HOURS!) this time. I just need the man to sign a paper...why it has taken two hours in the past is beyond me.

I've been awarded work study for next semester, as well as the fall. It pays more than the pay that the art department offers. So I should be working the same job as this semester, just being paid from financial aid, instead of the art office. Hopefully I will have the same arrangements for the fall.

I'm also hoping to be a docent for the galleries in the summer semester. We wont be in any classes I just need a job, we have to save some money for our camping trip! We're taking the trip over my birthday week again this year. Going to Orchard Beach state park, and Tahquamenon Falls State park (same one as last year).

Oh Graduate school. I really hope that things work out the way I want them to. I don't have a very comprehensive body of work yet, and I need that, but I will be applying for Grad School 4 months ahead of time, to (thank god) start 9 months earlier than I planned on. Brooks is trying to figure out what I need to do as far as that goes. I really appreciate all of the help she's given me.

I want to go back to bed. I chugged down a huge cup of coffee this morning. It's done nothing for me except give me a stomach ache. It's weird that at times I can be greatly affected by caffeine, but when I need to to be effective it isn't.

I should probably eat something.

Lilly's Birth Story

2010-03-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

I've moved this story over here from my old blog, just to always keep it with me.

Tuesday November 18, 2008 was pretty much like any other day in late pregnancy. I woke up in the morning still tired from the worst night’s sleep EVER wishing that the baby would just come out so I could be done with being pregnant. Prior to this day I was doing a lot of trying to coax Lilliana out of there: walking, sex, squatting, and bouncing on the birthing ball, nothing worked so I decided that the baby was never coming and that I was just going to forget about her for awhile and let her do her thing.
When Brett got home from work I decided that I wanted to actually make love with him and enjoy sex instead of making it feel like a chore to get the baby out. He was up for it (duh). After that he decided since he just worked a long week and he had the next two days off that we should go out for some wings and a beer (which finding a place for that here in Ann Arbor proved to be more challenging than you would think). We ended up at this little dive in downtown Ann Arbor and ate just the type of meal we were looking for. While we were there I was joking about how that would be the last dinner we would eat out without a baby.
We were out pretty late, so when we got home we headed to bed. I was kneeling on all fours on the bed stretching my sore back, and when I went to turn over I felt this weird “pop”. I didn’t think too much of it because my pelvis had been cracking for weeks and the “pop” felt similar. When I sat up though the water started gushing! I was so excited I didn’t even know what to think. I said to Brett: “Um…uh…babe…I…..” He just looked at me waiting for me to finish my sentence… I got the words out: “I think my water just broke!!!!!” You know, I can’t even remember his response, I think he was all smiles but I cannot remember if he said anything or not.
I rushed off to sit on the toilet because it just kept leaking. I was shaking with excitement I thought that that was it, that within a matter of hours I was going to be a mommy, and my life with my husband was going to change forever. Little did I know Lilly had a different plan. I called Stacia (my midwife) to let her know what was going on, and then I called my mom, sister, and Brett called his parents… we were all so excited. Stacia told me just to go back to bed and get rest while I could because things were probably going to start progressing. She also said to call her back if contractions got stronger, longer, and 4 minutes apart or so, but otherwise we would just keep our appointment for the following morning at 10am. I felt like things were happening that night I was having contractions on and off and I just couldn’t sleep due to sheer excitement. Alas…nothing happened.
10am on Wednesday November 19, 2008 rolls around and I was as happy as could be. I thought that since nothing major happened the previous night that *this* was the day. Stacia called to let me know she was going to be a bit late because she wanted to make sure everything was together for the birth, this got my hopes up even more. When Stacia and Mandy came to our house they just checked me out as usual, listened to baby’s heart beat checked her position...etc. Baby still seemed to be posterior (facing forward) so Stacia gave me some exercises to do to try to get her to turn. She also said we can do some nipple stimulation to help things progress a bit but she wasn’t going to do anything too aggressive yet because she wanted to let labor come on its one, after all...my water had been broken for 12 hours at that point..How much longer could it take? She gave me some cleanser to prevent infection in my uterus, told me she would call to check up on me the next day, and off they went. My mom came over around noon, and hung out all day…and stayed the night….nothing happened. We decided to let her go back home, and we would call her when we knew things were going to happen.
This whole time I WAS having contractions, some were strong enough that I had to breathe through them but nothing was really happening… it was more annoying than anything. So, now it’s Thursday November 20, 2008. Just like that last two days nothing was happening. Brett and I went out for a walk hoping that that would move things along. It didn’t. At 8pm we decided to try the nipple stimulation, it really works, it made my contractions quite strong and very time-able (Brett was timing them for me, they were quite regular). I decided that it was time to set up the birthing pool because I thought at this point things were really going to start. ..They didn’t. I was really convinced too that they were because as Brett says I was “in the zone” I needed it quiet, and I needed him to pick things up…even a pillow sitting in the wrong place annoyed me. I was having strong contractions all night, the only comfortable position I could sleep in was sitting up in my big blue chair with my feet up on a dining room chair…sitting on towels because I was still leaking fluid. The whole night went by…nothing happened.
Friday November 21, 2008…seriously…nothing. Mandy stopped by to check on me for Stacia, she was optimistic because she thought the baby had turned to the proper position…she was wrong. The one good thing I heard from all of this is that Stacia really thought that this was the night. I really hoped so; I was really upset that I had told everyone because I kept getting “you STILL haven’t had her?”... Or “Oh my god that is dangerous you should go to the hospital!” because my water had been broken for so long (oh what are we at now…60 hours or so). At 8pm we did more nipple stimulation...and again I thought it was working, contractions were so bad that I actually needed to be in the pool. It was really nice, Brett lit some candles and I just relaxed in the pool. When I got tired of the pool we watched some Planet Earth DVDs and laid on the floor…it was a very mellow evening and things were picking up, Brett was timing things... but at the same time I was frustrated because I thought “this was it” for the last 72 hours so I told him to stop timing them because nothing was going to happen. He agreed to do so, but he added that he really thought “this was it”… this continued all night, and in the morning Brett called Stacia to give her an update. He also called my mom to tell her to come…because FINALLY, it was time.
Saturday November 22, 2008. I had been sleeping on the chair in my comfy position for the night (when I could... even though contractions were painful I was able to get some rest). I was in and out of the birthing pool all morning; I needed Brett to add warm water a few times. At one point I was out of the pool laying on the floor (I want to say around 10am or so) and I had a contraction so hard my whole body started to shake…it frightened me a bit so I told Brett that maybe it was time for Stacia to be with us. He called her, and she was over pretty soon. When she got there I was in my pool again, and I was in pretty good spirits I labored for maybe an hour or so in the pool. Stacia just hung out she said she wasn’t going to do much other than just observe me for awhile (and read our awesome Alton Brown baking book) until things were starting to pick up even more, but she said that I was doing really well and from what it seemed things were moving along nicely. Around noon or 1 I had to get out of the pool again, it’s amazing how our bodies react while in labor. When it doesn’t like how something feels or sounds or looks it hurts. I laid on the floor on my pile of blankets and pillows on my side with my knee propped…and just rested and labored for awhile. My mom got there… she just sat quietly most of the time. To be honest I didn’t want anyone there, but in the end it was good that she was there. I got back in the pool probably around 2…and labor started to get hard. I think it was sometime around there where I hit transition. I could hear rustling happening in my living room but it was all a haze. At this point in labor it was sort of like one of those sci-fi movies where you hear the weird music and see the hands spinning on a clock really fast and have no idea what is going on. I looked up at one point and Mandy was there…I have no idea when she got there but she was. Before I knew it I was pushing. I threw up several times in-between contractions... that was no fun. One thing that I made a point to remember around this time was that while I was pregnant people were saying that labor was the most painful thing you could ever go through. I disagree, I really could think of a lot of things that would hurt worse… and I sort of focused on those things while I was having a contraction. The contraction would start and I would think “being attacked by a shark would hurt worse than this”…that got me through it. A lot of time had gone by, even though it felt like 20 minutes…I think it was something like 4 or 5 hours…and nothing was happening.
We tried everything we could in the pool for the time being and the baby was just not budging. Stacia said we should try to go into the bedroom and lay on the bed and get my legs up by my head and push that way, once the baby started to descend we could move back to the pool. In the bedroom is when labor DID actually become the most painful thing I could ever imagine. I was so adamant on having my baby at home I didn’t care how much it hurt I did whatever I was told to. All I know is my mom and Brett and Mandy all took turns holding my legs up and if they even moved them and inch I yelled at them because I needed them to stay still. It got to the point where Stacia was trying to move my pelvic bones apart from the inside to help the baby come down…it just wasn’t working. I was screaming in pain, I remember asking Brett “why did we decide to have a baby?” and saying things like “Having a baby is the stupidest thing anyone could do”…”I want to die” and I also remember being worried about what the neighbors would think (I was told no big deal, they probably thought we were just having some amazing sex)... looking back I am really proud that *I* never once said “I want to go the hospital”… and I don’t really think I ever said “I can’t do this”. I know that Stacia left the room for a minute…and I was told after the fact that my mom went into the kitchen too and asked “is this going to happen?” It wasn’t. Around 8pm (24 hours in active labor…6 hours of pushing) Stacia told me to try to sit on the toilet…I did… it hurt.
Stacia came into the bathroom not too long after I sat down and broke the news…my pelvis and the way Lilly was facing was just not going to let her come out. We decided it was time to go to the hospital. I remember putting my robe on and slippers and running out of the house into the cold screaming “where is Brett with the car!?” I got in the back seat one knee on the floor one on the seat, and buried my face into the corner of the seat where it meets the door. And I screamed. I remember just screaming out one note and the vibrations in my head kept me focused. It felt like eternity to get to the hospital (that is 4 miles away)…we got there and I had to sit in a wheel chair…that sucked…the last thing I wanted to do was sit on my butt. I screamed the whole way to the triage. I got there and they immediately took me in and put a monitor on and did an ultrasound to see where baby was…the whole time I was screaming at them to knock me out…give me drugs… make the pain stop. Brett said he could hear me down the hall.
They took me into the operating room…they made me get on the operating table myself…ouch. They made me lean forward onto my contracting uterus...and put my hands out in front of me and told me to ‘relax’… I asked if they were “fucking kidding me”…I think that’s the only foul language I used the entire time… I am surprised and proud that I had that much control! After attempting 4 times the anesthesiologist got the spinal block in the correct place...and 2 seconds later I was no longer in pain… it was amazing. During the surgery my chest muscles hurt and I had a headache, and I was shaking uncontrollably…I was told these are all side effect of the spinal. Brett came in and held my hand, I him if they started the surgery yet...he said that I was cut open when he walked in, and they were pulling the baby out now. I could feel nothing. They pulled the baby out...Brett tried to take photos but of course the camera was not working at that very minute. I heard nothing…Brett could see Lilliana; she was pink...but no noise. I was worried, I kept asking if the baby was OK, but Brett was mesmerized… and didn’t answer me… finally I heard her cry… and that made me cry…and I knew everything was good. Lilliana Elizabeth English came into this big ‘ol world at 9:57pm on November 22, 2008, 94.5 hours after my water broke. She weighed 7lb 14oz and was 19.25inches long.
They wiped Lilly down and bundled her up and handed her to Brett… he was so happy and kept saying how beautiful she was. He asked if I wanted to hold her but I was shaking so bad I couldn’t. I let them finish stitching me up and put me on the recovery bed. As soon as they took the spinal out I stopped shaking. Brett handed me our daughter and at that moment every single thing that I went through to get to that point disappeared. It really was love at first sight. I am not a very religious person at all but Lilliana makes me believe in a god...she is so perfect in every way, I’m not sure what I did to deserve something so beautiful but she is mine, and for that I thank god.
I got into the recovery room and my mom was there with Stacia, and I was so happy. They both looked at her and agreed she was beautiful! The nurses came in to take care of me, and help me get her to latch on to breastfeed; she was a champ from the beginning. We ended up staying in the hospital for 4 days because Lilly had pretty bad Jaundice...but we got out on Thanksgiving in time to go have dinner with our family, if that’s not something to be thankful for, I don’t know what is.
When all is said and done it is obvious that things did not go the way I wanted…AT ALL. It just doesn’t matter though. My daughter is a beautiful angel and every time I look at her my heart melts. I am extremely proud of myself for what I went through I tried everything I possibly could to have the birth that I wanted but Lilliana just had a different agenda…and I’m OK with that. She is here, and she really is the love of my life.

New Years Resolutions.

2009-12-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

So looking back, it appears that I failed miserably at resolving the things I intended to. So once again, my 10 resolutions for 2010:

1. Maintain above a 3.5 in my undergraduate coursework.

2. Choose and apply for and visit (at least) 5 Graduate schools (not including EMU).

3. Work out: my small goal get down to a size 16.

4. Jog-Run a 5k

5. Spend 1 hour outside per day.

6. Sketch every day in sketch book

7. Write every day

8. Read every day

9. Get a sewing machine

10. Make new friends

I will probably revise this tomorrow, but at least I got it out on 'paper'.

Facebook?

2009-10-17T14:06:00.001-07:00

I am frustrated. I need something to write about, but all I can think about right now is how people are not willing to offer help when someone is in need. What is the point of Facebook? Why do we choose to connect with people who we clearly, on most occasions, would not give a shit about?

Should be packing, or doing homework, but am instead updating a blog I haven't even looked at in months.

Need to blog more often. Need followers. Need friends.

Though the true friends I do have I wouldn't trade for the world.

What to do?

2009-04-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking about what we could do today after I finished working and of course going to Gallup park is on top of the list. I was reading Chelsea's blog and she mentioned going to the Botanical Gardens, what a great idea! I go to their website and am disappointed TWICE.... they close at 4:30 most days...and it COSTS MONEY to get in...why?! Why do we have to pay money to look at naturally occurring things? it's so frustrating. We are broke, folks, why can't everything just be free? Oh well, we'll just go to Gallup park, or maybe..that lake..what is it called? Pinckney; maybe we'll check that out. Anything to be outdoors today, unless the thunderstorms start.

I have my windows open all the way, and it feels so nice. I do wish we had windows on both sides of the apartment though. Some day we will own a house and there will be plenty of windows. I'm hoping even a bay window that I can sit in and read to Lilly.

Today Whole Foods has contracted Laura and I to massage the staff for employee appreciation day. I'm very proud of the fact that I'm working FOR MYSELF. It's pretty amazing! Even if it is just a little bit, how can we argue with 50$ an hour? Though, I am excited to have a real career as a teacher too. School starts in 10 days!

I wish that my writing was more eloquent. I can never think of anything profound to talk about, maybe one day it will be different. Maybe at one point I will have numerous revelations and will speak about them like a philosopher or profit. Or not.

The day today..

2009-04-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

Pretty low key. We waited around for the exterminator to come to the house... which I'm actually not too proud of. I do all I can to get foods that were not treated with pesticides yet I let a stranger in my home to spray the baseboards with them. I don't know... I just don't. I am all for being natural, organic...healthy, yet I make the decision to do something like this. I think I would have said no if Lilly were crawling. I just hate bugs :( I hate being bitten by spiders in my sleep. I hate earwigs...they creep me the hell out.

ANYWAY... We went to the dentist today I got my permanent crown put on. It looks nice :) Much better than the creepy metal one. Both Brett and I got our cleanings and everything is great, neither of us have cavities. I told the dentist I was surprised that I didn't have any because of being pregnant and breast feeding. She told me that it's a giant myth that your calcium depletes and you loose a tooth for 'each child'...she said that it's actually your gums that suffer from pregnancy and breast feeding. Interesting. Also, I have to say I'm exceptionally happy with this dentist I have NEVER been to a dentist where the actual dentist does your cleaning. Usually the hygienist would do all the cleaning and the dentist would just come in, glance at your x-rays and they would make 5 times as much as the hygienist.

Oh yeah, Happy Earth Day! We didn't really 'celebrate'. Lets see... I Breast fed (surprise!) does that count? According to some research I've done it's very ecologically friendly :)

I don't have anything profound to type about today, I did when I woke up but I forgot what it was.

I did have a thought earlier. I wonder after how long of being in a relationship those butterflies in your stomach go away, if ever (in my case I certainly hope not). I still have them when I miss Brett and I think about him coming home and how I can expect a hug from him (maybe not always as soon as he walks in the door but I do get it!) when he gets there. I was thinking about it because I saw some stupid commercial for a movie and the guy says to the girl "I want to kiss you". It made me think about my first kiss with Brett and how hard my heart was pounding. I think that it was pounding out of my chest and up into my throat for at least 24 hours after that. It makes me smile to think about. He got online that night and told me how wonderful and euphoric it made him feel too. I hope we always feel this way towards one another. I know that relationships are not always about being physical, and somewhere I heard that they're not always about being emotionally affectionate either...but that is important to me. I don't ever want to be that couple that doesn't hold hands in public. Even something as little as that is very special to me. We will see where the years take us.

Lastly, Happy 5month Birthday Lilliana! Such a big girl!

Flips and giggles.

2009-04-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

So, I wrote this whole post earlier about how pissed I was that I burnt SOUP. But at this point that is neither here, nor there... minus the fact that I'm out 2 onions 4 carrots and 4 ribs of celery. Oh, and the fact that my house still smells like an ashtray which I deemed appropriate (because I am so witty) since it is 4/20, and also the Nag Champa... appropriate for today's date as well.

Tonight ended up being nice. I really enjoy having company over. It makes me feel useful. Brett saved the day with some delicious chicken parmesan. Laura brought this really yummy tiramisu torte thing, I feel bad she had to leave so quick that she didn't get any. More for me. Kidding... I'm going to make Brett eat it, he's the one that needs some fat on his bones. Although, he has gained 10lbs in like... 2 weeks? Crazy. Don't know where he's putting it.

Anyhoo, Lilly has officially learned how to roll both ways, I am so proud of my big girl. She's currently laying in her portion of the bed growling like a monster, and giggling. Brett is annoyed; I am amused. She's wearing 9 and 12 month sizes now, I can't even believe it. 4 weeks ago her 'doctor' was telling us how concerned she was about her lack of growth, and here she is at almost 17lbs. Chunky monkey.

I think I'm growing up... or something. I'm deciding to get rid of my Myspace profile. I don't ever talk to anyone on there, all I do is look at other people's photos, and post my own. I do talk to a lot of people I have on my facebook profile so I'm going to keep it. I need to spend some time transferring all of my photos to facebook, and to make sure anyone I have occasional contact with on myspace is friends with me on facebook. I need to make sure I keep facebook as professional as possible too because in a couple years I will be job hunting. I think I should delete my twitter too, it's really no fun without a smart phone. Maybe we will get a smart phone soon though, at least Brett might....we'll see.

I guess I should call it a night, unfortunately this post is not as entertaining as the post that got deleted, but at least I tried to make up for it.

I need to do something about this....

2009-04-20T04:12:00.000-07:00

...and by this I mean the layer of fat that surrounds my skeleton. I don't know why people say we 'hold on' to our fat to protect us. What do I need to be protected from? I'm married, I've had a child...a dozen plus people have seen every part of my body (child birth will do that to you sometimes)...I have nothing to be modest about, and nothing to hide...why do I need this protection? Why do I lack the motivation to get rid of it? I want to be able to run around with Lilly and not get sweaty and tired and huffy after 5 minutes...I want to be a good role model for her because I don't want her being ridiculed like I was in middle school...(and really I wasn't fat then, I was just developed and tall for my age). I'm glad she has Brett as her father, she's got those skinny genes. Well I'm glad for other reasons, but you know...we're on this subject.

Speaking of skinny jeans...I would love to wear some someday. I have nice long legs, and lots of muscle..I bet I'd look hot in them, If I could melt some of this fat away. I feel like it's a rock in a hard place... being fat makes me depressed, and unmotivated so therefore I sit all day. Breastfeeding makes me hungry all day long...it makes me crave sweets. I need to watch my portions. I think that will be a start....I'm just rambling.

What number do I need to see on that scale before I get seriously concerned about my health? I always brag that I have perfect blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar.... but I'm sure that could change at some point. And then I turn 40 and have a heart attack and if I survive it I'll have harder time taking any weight off...guuuh.

I am awake way too early... well I was, I've been up for over an hour. I would like to be sleeping. I should do something productive, but I'll probably just fall back asleep. Again, it's a gloomy chilly day, where better to be than curled up in bed with a snuggle monster, 2 cats, and a dog? So maybe I'll write another blog later about something more upbeat. I stepped on the scale this morning because I was feeling good, and then I realize I've gained 4lbs....it made me feel not so good.

And again.

2009-04-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided that I want to wake up each morning with a cup of tea and write. So I will, well, I'll type anyway. I've started this new blog. I think I must do this every 3 years or so. I want to stick with it, I want to write about something every day. So I will.

Brett wrote about progression, I didn't read any of the quotes he was browsing through but I do get excited when I think about the progress I have made in my life, and how it continues to progress. I keep telling everyone that I'm starting to finish school in May. Which is not entirely true. Yes, I am starting to finish my bachelor degree but it's going to take a couple years. No, I will not be finished with school once I have it.

Before those couple sentences I was starting to write about how I'm not sure if I knew how my life would pan out. I'm still not, this has been an adventure so far... but that's not my point. The one thing I've told people since I was itty bitty is that I wanted my PhD. I still do. I told them I wanted it in art. They told me they weren't sure there was such a thing as a PhD in Art... well guess what?! Art History, hooray. So that's what I'll be doing. I asked Brett if he thought it was sexy (or maybe I used the word excited, but I think it's sexy) that his wife was going to have a PhD. He said it was sexy that his wife will have a salaried job. I'll take it. I guess really I'm just conceited and think I'm sexy no matter what, in an intellectual sort of way... lets not get started on the physical sort of way.

Today has been one lazy day. I just wanted to stay curled up in bed with Lilly all morning. Brett came home, we showered, and now we are just being lazy bones on the couch. It's not what I want to be doing... though going outside is sort of out of the question. I don't like cold rainy days, unless I need to be inside for some reason. I need to get more active. Bikram Yoga has been calling to me. I need to make friends who want to do it with me. I am shy.

Speaking of being active I should probably get off the computer and do something slightly more productive.